Observations from the Bagel Man

Our friend Moishe makes the best bagels in the world. While the dough is rising, Moishe is sending out things to his friends. Here's some of the things he's sent recently.

Things I Never Learnt In Hebrew School

  1. You need ten men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
  2. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstroms.
  3. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
  4. Spring ahead; fall back - winters in Boca.
  5. WASP's leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
  6. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended
  7. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
  8. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.

Signs On Synagogue Bulletin Board

  1. The bringing of your own plastic containers for kiddush "left-overs" is frowned upon.
  2. Yes, we know who you are. The answer is still "no"
  3. No, we don't know how long the rabbi will speak for this week. It's a mystery to everyone, including the rabbi.
  4. Is anything all right?
  5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."

From Confusius' Sermons at the Kiddush Club

  1. Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
  2. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
  3. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
  4. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
  5. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
  6. Man who runs in front of car gets tired; man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
  7. Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.
  8. War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
  9. Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.
  10. It takes many nails to build a crib, only one screw to fill it.
  11. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
  12. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
  13. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
  14. Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
    And finally,
  15. A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.
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